Meat Wave/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Geez, Brent. It's like the hottest day on record and in here you got it colder than a witch's mitt. Brent Leroy: That's not how that...never mind. It's not that cold. I just like it brisk and refreshing. Wanda doesn't mind, right? Wanda Dollard: No, I'm good. Hank: Where's that thermometer? It's gotta be -5 in here. -10 with the wind chill if the fan was on. Brent: It's not below zero. Hank: Oh, really? Then why's this juice box frozen solid? Brent: The only thing below zero is your IQ. Wanda, do you want to get a mop and clean this up? Wanda: No, I'm good. Lacey Burrows: What'll you have? Davis Quinton: Coffee. Lacey: On a day like today? Davis: On hot days I like hot things and on cold days I like cold things. And when it's in between, I'm stuck. Did you just beep? Lacey: No, I didn't beep. I thought you beeped. Davis: Maybe it's my watch. I set it to go off every hour. Boy, time flies, eh? Lacey: No, no, it's coming from over here. Oh, it's one of those virtual pet things. Some kid must have left it. Davis: Huh, what's it doing now? Lacey: Oh, I don't know. He's probably at school. Davis: I meant the pet. Lacey: Oh, he's barking. Why is he barking? Davis: Probably wants you to get me my coffee. Fitzy Fitzgerald: OK, everybody. Get your tickets ready for the charity draw. It a six month meat supply donated by Curtis Meat Market. "Curtis Meat Market, the market where you can buy meat." Davis: You guys get your ticket? Oscar Leroy: That meat is ours. Emma Leroy: We got the freezer cooling, ready to go. Oscar: We'll be eating beef until the cows come home. Emma: Did you buy any tickets? Davis: We split one. Emma: Just one? Karen Pelly: See? I told you we're not going to win. I've never won anything in my life. Fitzy: OK, the winning number is... Oscar: Everybody shut up! Fitzy: 675. Oscar: I said shut up! Davis: We won. Karen: What? Lemme see. Oh my God. We won. We won! I've never won anything in my life, woo-hoo! Emma: Well, congratulations. Karen: Look at me, I'm doing the meat dance. Hank: Hey Brent. You got any polar bears? I just thought since it's so cold in here, maybe you started selling them. Cold Customer: Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's a good one. Brent: That doesn't make any sense. Nobody sells polar bears. Hank: Hey, watch out there, iceberg! Cold Customer: Whoa! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hank: Huh? That's a good one, eh? Brent: You know what's gone cold, Hank? Your sense of humour. Am I right? Hank: Well, I better get going here before I start to freeze... Cold Customer: Oh, he's frozen! That's how cold it is in here. Brent: Yeah, let's see how frozen he really is. Hmm, pretty frozen. I wonder if he's stay frozen if I took his pants off. Hank: Oh, OK. That's enough of that. Karen: There, my freezer's full and so is yours. Davis: All right! Now, where to put the rest of it. Karen: Oh, come on. Lacey: Oh, just a second. I think Darin needs to go to the bathroom. Wanda: Who's Darin and how do you know his bathroom needs? Lacey: Oh, it's this virtual pet I found. Wanda: Maybe Darin needs a virtual doggy door so he can take himself out. Lacey: No, he doesn't need to go to the bathroom. Darin, what do you need? Now he's dinging, what does that mean? Oh, sorry. Would you mind taking those plates over to table six since you're up? It's just if I don't give him what he wants he gets very, very sad. Wanda: This got very, very sad a while ago. Davis: We really appreciate it. You guys are really nice to do this. Emma: No problem, glad we could help. Karen: So, 24 T-bones, 15 roasts, 36 spare ribs and 48 chops. Emma: You have a checklist? Karen: Oh Emma, like you wouldn't. Emma: It's meat, not gold bullion. Karen: Wow, look at it. Davis: Oh, I'm looking partner. I'm looking. Oscar: Well, why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer. Karen: Davis, get a picture of me with the meat. I've never won anything before. Lacey: Wanda, I have a favour to ask you. Wanda: I'm not busing my own dishes. Lacey: No, can you look after Darin for the afternoon? Wanda: Darin? Who's Darin? Oh yeah, your robot monkey. Lacey: Dog, please. Please, it's simple. Just press this button when he barks. That's all you have to do. Wanda: Here, stop bugging me. All right, I'll pet you. Ha, look at your tail go. Ha, ha. Go get the ball. Yes, go get the ball. Yeah! He got the ball. Hank: Hey, Brent. Just thought I'd fill up my snowmobile. Brent: Ah-ha. Hank: It's probably good sledding weather in here. Why's it so hot in here? Brent: Because the air conditioning's broke. Hank: What? Oh man, now I look like an idiot in this snowsuit. Brent: You weren't coming off like a real genius without it. Hank: It's too bad, because I had this whole igloo bit worked out and everything. It was gonna be awesome with the...ah man, this seems stuck. Give me a hand. Yeah, hey, pull, pull. Pull hard. Brent: I'm pulling. Hank: Not too hard or you're gonna jam it. Brent: Relax. OK, there we go. Hank: You got it? Brent: No, I broke it. But, look on the bright side. I'm not stuck in a snowsuit. Hank: Come off, come off! Brent: Just yelling come off isn't gonna work. Trust me, I used to try it on women's clothing when I was in high school. We're gonna have to cut you out of there. Hank: We can't, it's Fitzy's. I promised him I wouldn't wreck it. Brent: You borrowed a snow suit off Fitzy for a lame gag? Hank: And his long underwear. What? I commit to a joke. Lacey: Thanks so much for taking care of Darin for me. Wanda: Sure, quick question. How often are you feeding him? Lacey: I don't know. Regular amount, six or seven times a day. Wanda: He's not a virtual horse. That's why he's so fat. His health meter was flat lining. Lacey: And how was his happiness meter? Wanda: Not the point. Lacey: How is it? Wanda: High, all right? It was through the roof. He was a big, fat, happy horse-dog. Lacey: Give it back to me. Wanda: Fine, take it. See if I care. Give it back. Lacey: No, he's happy to be back with his mommy. Wanda: No, he's not. He's scared that momma's gonna cram more stuff down his bone-hole. Mertyl Runciman: Sorry. My TV was broken and I didn't know who to call. Davis: Normally, you'd call a TV repairman. And if that repairman tried to kill you or steal your purse, then you'd call us. Emma: Hi, Mertyl! Oscar: Hey, Davis, ha, ha. Mertyl: I did have a prowler around here the other night. Davis: You're welcome. Davis (radio): Karen, meet me at the Leroy house, we have a situation. Oscar: Hey, guys. Just cooked up some sausage. Emma: Some steaks too. Davis: Yeah, about that. Karen: We wanna see our meat. Emma: What? Karen: Our meat. Davis: Forgive Karen. It's just, I saw you guys cooking and... Karen: Meat locker, now. Brent: All right, just let the cooking oil drip down your body. You'll be able to squirt right out of there. Hank: I don't think it's working. Wanda: What's going on? Brent: The air conditioner's busted and Hank's stuck in that snow suit. Wanda: Really? Oh, I know what to do. Hank: Woo, get that away. Brent: No, no, this is good. You're retaining too much water. You gotta sweat it out so you can lose enough weight to slip out a leg hole. Wanda: You know what might help? Jumping jacks. Hank: Yeah, good idea, yeah. 1, 2 3...how many of these do you think I should do? Brent: We'll let you know when to stop. Davis: It's not that we don't trust you... Karen: 46, 47 and 48 chops. It's all there. Emma: Of course it's all there. Oscar: How dare you accuse us of taking your meat. Davis: We're sorry. Oscar: How dare you! Karen: I've never won anything before. Oscar: The audacity! Emma: OK, Oscar. Davis: No, Oscar's right. Help yourself to some meat as a token of our appreciation. Oscar: The, the, the...how dare you! Karen: Take on chop. Davis: Each, one pork chop each at least. Karen: Fine. Oscar: How... Emma: Don't. Lacey: No. No jumping. Oh OK, jump if you want to. I can't stay mad at you. Wanda: What, is it voice-activated now? Lacey: No, he just likes it when I talk to him. Wanda: It's a piece of plastic. Can I say hi? Lacey: Sure, he's a little tired. Wanda: Oh my God, you're so fat. When was the last time you went for a walk? Lacey: We haven't really had time for walks. But he was just jumping. Wanda: I gotta get him some exercise. Lacey: OK, but don't walk him too hard. He just had his after dinner snack. Karen: OK, maybe I overreacted a bit at Oscar and Emma's. Davis: You think? Karen: You're right, we've got nothing to worry about. The meat was all there. Now are they eating the meat? Davis: No. Karen: I beat they're thinking about eating the meat. Davis: Oh wait, Oscar's eating something. Karen: Is it the meat? Davis: No, it looks like bread. Karen: Meat sandwich. Davis: Ah, I can't tell. Karen: Here, let me see. Whoa, she is hairy! Davis: Wrong house, that's Mertyl. Karen: I think they're on to us. Davis: No, it's OK. She's gone. Now they're just throwing paper packages onto the lawn. Karen: That's our meat! Hank: Icing sugar isn't helping. If anything, it's making the inside of the suit stickier. Brent: Icing sugar? Huh, my bad. Supposed to be flour. Here we go. Hank: No, no, that's it. I can't take it anymore. Get outta my way! Oh, ah! Brent: All right. I suppose this gag's gone on long enough. Guess I can tell you, the air conditioner's not really broken. Hank: How's that? Brent: I just turned it off so you'd stop with your stupid cold jokes. But then you came in with that snowsuit on. What am I gonna do? Not torture you? Hank: You mean I put five sticks of butter down my pants for nothing? Brent: Not nothing, it got good laughs. Besides, turning off the air conditioner is a good way to help the environment. David Suzuki: Brent's right, and here's another energy saving tip. Turn off your appliances when not using them. Like your TV during commercials or celebrity cameos. Hey, don't touch that blender! My smoothie's in there. Brent: This'll help you cool off. Hank: Is this part of the joke too? Brent: No. Hank: I'm going back to your cooler. Brent: You're not going in my cooler. I am. Emma: Find someone else to store your meat. Oscar: Yeah, someone you can trust. Davis: No, no, we trust you. Don't we Karen? Karen: It's just I've never won anything before. Emma: Stop saying that. Oscar: How dare you! Emma: Stop saying that! Lacey: Whatcha doing? Wanda: Just teaching him a new trick. Lacey: Aw, what did you teach him to do? Wanda: Um, well, right now he's playing dead. Lacey: Aw, isn't that cute? He likes to play dead. How long is he supposed to play dead for? Wanda: Oh, that depends. Lacey: Depends on what? Wanda: On whether he's really dead or not. Lacey: Is he dead? Wanda: That depends. Lacey: Give that to me. What did you do to him? Wanda: Ah, I don't know. We drove in the car, he likes the car. Then I had other things to do so I left him in there. Lacey: In this heat? Did you roll down the window? Wanda: No, I did not roll down the windows. He doesn't even have air holes. Lacey: Oh, come on Darin. Live, dammit, live! Wanda: We lost him. Brent (phone): A week? We can't wait a week to get this fixed. My, my buddy's got a pound cake baking in his long johns. What do you mean "What does that mean?" Pound cake, baking long johns, what part don't you...hello? Hank: I can't live like this. How am I...I'm gonna go to the Ruby and cool down. At least I'll be comfortable there. Brent: You can't leave me, you gotta stay here and help me fix this. I don't know if you can appreciate this but I am boiling here. Hank: I'm sorry. I guess I just got caught up in my own thing. Brent: That's all right, buddy. Let's just fix this. Hank: You got it. Brent: OK, go get the tools, they're in the back. Then, meet me outside. It is stupid hot in here. Oscar: Well, well, well. If it isn't Sergeant Sausage and Officer Pork Chop. Davis: Which one am I? Emma: Have you found a place for your precious meat? Karen: Sure did. Emma: Don't tell me all that meat's in the trunk. Davis: No, we got a roast in the glove compartment. Wanda: He's alive! He's alive! Well, that is to say I reprogrammed him. Lacey: It's not the same. Wanda: He's still Darin. He's just a new Darin, like on "Bewitched." Lacey: I don't want a new pet. I want the old Darin back. No, no, I don't want it. Oh, look at you. Aren't you cute. You're just a little ball of sunshine. Yes you are, yes you are. Wanda: Just don't stuff his face. Lacey: Who wants a treat? Karen: Oh my God, it's all thawed! You have to help us, we're gonna lose our meat. This is the first time I've lost something I've won before. Emma: I have an idea. Emma: Come get your meat folks, there's plenty to go around. There's 8 pork chops, 9 sausages and 8 T-bones left. You want me to check it off your list, Karen? Davis: I thought I would retire on that meat. Karen: I had meat plans too, big meat plans. Oscar: Hey guys, good BBQ, huh? These sausages are great. Karen: How dare you! Hank: OK, ah, oh, I can’t, I can’t see. There’s too much sweat in my eyes. Brent: Good lord, are you melting? Hank: What’s your name again? Brent: Brent. Hank: No, no, your first name. Brent: Uh-oh, you’re delusional. You can’t stay out here in this heat. So, hurry up and fix it. Hank: I can’t, I can’t hold onto anything. You’re gonna have to do this. Brent: Oh, I would catch you buddy but my hands are kinda full with the ice tea and the freezee. Pet Man: Hi, we were here this morning and we think we left a little, virtual pet toy here. Have you seen it? Lacey: Um, no. Heh, no. Wanda? Have you seen a virtual, what do you call it? Pet Man: Pet. Wanda: Oh, it is like a, kind of a blue key chain thing? Pet Man: Yes. Wanda: I haven't seen it. Josh: Here it is. Lacey: Thanks, Josh. Wanda: Yeah, thanks Josh. Lacey: All right, look. I'll give it back as long as you promise to take better care of it. Pet Man: No, you'll just give it back. Lacey: Look, all I’m saying is if I hadn't found him and cared for him, who knows what could have happened. Wanda: And don't leave him locked in the car with the windows up, for example. Pet Boy: This doesn't seem like my pet. Lacey: She did it. Wanda: You stuffed him like a Christmas turkey. Pet Boy: Geez, relax. It's just a toy. I'll reset it. Wanda: No, don't kill Darin II. Pet Boy: Darin? Now I'm definitely killing it. Lacey: Wait. Just wait. At least let us say goodbye. Pet Boy: Whatever. Lacey: Run! Brent: OK, I'm down in front of the boxy thing. Now what? Hank: There should be a fuse. A small, silver fuse. Brent: Ah-ha, I see it! Hank: Take it out. Brent: Right. Hank: Now, put in the new fuse. Brent: OK. Hank: That's it! Brent: Really? 'Cause I got my wire cutters. Shouldn't I, what if I cut one wire? Hank: No, no, no. That’ll break it again. Brent: Oh well, it's just a little anti-climatic, is all. Hank: Now hit the reset switch. Brent: Oh baby, I'm getting out of this heat. Hank: Yeah, hey, hey, no Brent, no, no. Hank: Thanks for lending me the suit, Fitzy. Fitzy: No problem. How'd the joke turn out? Hank: Huh? Yeah, hilarious. Big, big laughs. You might want to get that cleaned, by the, by the way. Fitzy: Why are there dumplings in here? Lacey: Hi, I'm Lacey. You probably know me as Lacey, from the Ruby. I'm here to say to remember to have your virtual pet spayed or neutered. They'll love you for it. I love you too, Darin XV. Category:Transcripts